The Burn List

In just a few months, my entire life is going to change. My name will be out there. So will theirs. The names of those who hurt me, exploited me, threatened me, and silenced me will go public. The second they see my name, they’ll know exactly what I’ve written and exactly who I’m talking about. That’s why I’ve stayed anonymous. Not out of fear, but because giving them any lead time would have given them every opportunity to interfere with the release of this story.

It’s hard to explain what happens after grooming. Long after. Past the point when you realize it was wrong, or you’ve cut ties, or the danger seems to be over—but you never feel totally free or safe. I’ve been out of contact with him for a while now. But my nervous system hasn’t caught up. It still scans for him. It still expects the next shift in tone, the next outburst, the next threat, the next violent confession, the next breadcrumb of praise I never asked for but clung

As the launch of The Burn List draws closer, I’m living in a kind of suspended animation—not just because the book is about to go out into the world, but because parts of the story are still unfolding in real time.

Writing The Burn List has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done—and not for lack of skill or clarity. It’s difficult because I chose to name names. That single decision has made the road nearly impassable. Literary agents won’t touch it. Publishing houses say it’s “too risky.” Even my own developmental editor—who called me an excellent writer with the potential to become a multi-book author—refused to be publicly associated with the project.

Flashbacks aren’t really about the past when you still feel trapped mid-scene. Posed and framed for his story. Like once the picture had been taken, it would never stop taking. He once said, “It’s all fun and games until someone’s heart gets broken.” All I could think was—no. Not a heart. A life. Until someone’s life gets broken.

Disappearance is sometimes the only thing that keeps you alive. Especially when the only way to protect your life is to vanish from it entirely. So I did. And now, after spending years erasing my digital footprint to stay safe, I have to rebuild one just to tell the story of why.